New Happy Taco

This place used to be an old favorite for my wife and I so it seems fitting this should be the inaugural post for this blog. Our "trial separation" is entering it's fourth week and I find that the only thing that brings a moderate amount of cheer into my life is a delicious pile of nachos. I don't know anymore. I really miss my wife.

Anyway, a trick with "New Happy Taco" which I forgot because my brain is filled with grief is to opt out of black beans and go for pinto beans instead. I know that sounds crazy. Black beans are usually considered the classier bean but trust me. The pinto beans at this place are very good and may help you forget your troubles for a moment or two. The black beans will only remind you of that one time you went to that bed and breakfast in upstate New York and you fought the entire time and then you accidentally dropped your wallet in a dumpster(Don't ask.)

So the nachos. The nachos here are pretty good and moderately priced at around 4-5 dollars a pile depending on what you get on them. I went with tofu today:




Let me be honest. I hate tofu on nachos. My wife loves it. I just wanted to pretend she was here with me for a minute. Usually, I'd suggest the chicken or steak.

The chips were good. They didn't taste stale and the crunch was spot on. The usual accouterments sat on top: Those offensive black beans, jalapenos, tomatoes, and melted cheese. Here is a close up shot for you perverts out there.


By the way, the tofu tasted like Chinese take out. Yes, Happy Taco is one of those places. Brooklyn sure does love Mexican restaurants that just "happen" to sit right next to a Chinese restaurant. Still, as these places go, it's pretty good. Plus it made my wife happy which is more than I can say for myself at this juncture.


General nacho taste:

Tofu as a topping:

My emotional well being:

New Happy Taco
160 Park Place
Brooklyn, New York
(718) 622-8889

True Liberty

True Liberty
Originally uploaded by mallbabez

My therapist told me I needed a "hobby" so I decided to learn this Photoshop program in order to adequately show the world how important nachos are to me. Here is my first stab at it.

New Fresco Tortillas II

I don't usually like to see sequels before the original. I'm always afraid I'll be missing crucial information and I'll end up sitting in the theater lost and confused, sort of like how I felt the day my wife told me we needed a "trial separation."



However, it's been a tough week so I decided I deserved it. I went into "New Fresco Tortillas II" and promptly ordered the chicken nachos. No more of that tofu for me. Gary needs to get his carnivorous groove back.

The first thing you'll notice about these nachos, are the chips themselves. The menu boasts that the chips are homemade daily and they aren't kidding. They are just about perfect with a golden(As opposed to your standard white.) hue and just the right amount of crunch. They also make for a nice presentation:



Unfortunately, just like life, the toppings had some serious shortcomings. The beans were quite good but the tomatoes tasted and smelled funky. The chicken was also close to raw in parts. Potentially bad tomatoes and chicken. Aren't those the two most dangerous foods? Oh well. I ate them anyways. If I die tell my wife I still love her even though she called me "pathetic" after I left her a few innocent text messages, and some emails, and maybe a phone message or too. Who's counting right?

Anyway, here is a close up of the offensive chicken:



In a perfect world, I'd suggest to go to New Fresco II and order plain chips and go somewhere else for the toppings. In a perfect world, I'd also suggest that my wife love me despite my flaws. Not everything in this world is logistically feasible I guess.

The chips themselves:

The toppings:

My cell phone bill(in hundreds) because I don't have a text plan:


New Fresco Tortillas II
349 Flatbush Avenue
Brooklyn, NY
718-789-6167

Burrito Bar

This is the kind of shithole place where yuppy idiots scarf their wannabe "Tex Mex"(Is that racist? I'd be pissed if someone said a burger and fries was "Cau" grub.) food and think all is right with the world. I really hate places like this and the people that frequent them. My list of grievances towards this so-called "Burrito Bar" runs longer than an all-you-can-eat chimichanga line. Also, my wife is staying with her friend Marjorie above it. I guess, honestly, the grievance list would probably start and end right there. The nachos did suck though. More on that later.

I promise I wasn't stalking. It just seemed like the next place I should hit. I saw her walk in though. That tree out front makes for a good hiding place.



She walked in with this smarmy looking guy who was wearing a cheap looking suit. He looked like my Uncle, the accountant. He probably goes to "Burrito Bar" all of the time. I can imagine him right now ordering some kind of ridiculously named jumbo sized margarita feeling like the king of the fucking world. I can just see him, "accidentally" brushing his hand against my wife's arm as he reaches for the bland chips and salsa. Talking about his money market account. God, what a douchebag.

I have to stop this. On to nachos.

Let my say first and foremost, these nachos were SOGGY. Soggy isn't even the word. Drenched is more like it. Now I could blame this on the ninety minutes or so I spent outside behind that tree but come on, a hearty well-made pile of nachos should be able to withstand that. You can't really tell from this photo, but trust me. It was like eating nacho soup.



Also, the menu promised "Tri-colored chips." Don't believe the hype folks. The twisted money-mongering bozos at "Burrito Bar" think it's funny to lie to people. The chips were distinctly single colored. And that color sort of looked like poop.



Also, did I mention this plate of sadness was ten bucks? Jesus. Few more of these and I won't be able to afford a divorce lawyer(Know of any?) These nachos were an absolute cluster-fuck and for the first time in my pathetic, loveless life, I did not finish my plate. They ended up in the trash. I blame that on the nachos but in all honesty my wife called as I was eating them and my appetite went south. Here is a transcript:

Me: Hello
Her: Were you outside of Marjorie's today?
Me: Umm, no(Nervous laugh) Why would I go there?
Her: Don't lie to me. You were. She saw you.

Awkward silence

Her: So you were. And hiding behind a tree? Jesus Gary that's just weird.

Awkward silence

Me: Well, so? Who was that guy you were talking to? Think I'm blind? Some fucker in a cheap suit.
Her: Are you drunk? Your drunk. God. I have to go. Don't do that anymore.
Me: Who was that guy? You think I'm blind. I saw him.
Her: That was my lawyer, Gary. Goodbye.

Click.

Ouch. Yeah, these nachos fucking sucked. The guacamole wasn't bad though.

The chips inability to stay crispy for a paltry couple of hours:

The fact that, technically, it was food and my body needs sustenance:

My hate-fueled hangover tomorrow:


Burrito Bar
307 Flatbush Ave
Brooklyn, NY
718-230-TOGO(Seriously that's their number. I'm gonna throw up.)

Eagle City Chinese & Tex-Mex

wow!!! earlier i felt pretty awful about the divorce but that seems so far away now i mean who cares right? we are both people, beautiful creatures on this amazing planet and yeah we are going thru some stuff but i mean i know we still love eachother i can see it in her eyes and i know she can see it in mine. everything is totally going to work out because im a great guy and still the same guy she fell in love with and married and even if we dont get back together i know we had this wonderful connection that can never be undone and love is a magical fountain and at least i had a chance to drink from it and that memory will quench my thirst for now!! wow they must put something in these Eagle City nachos! i mean look at how beautiful they are, all of that red and white and green and black. im not that hungry now but just look at them!!



jesus!! also i just started writing a screenplay well its more of an outline really but its really fantastic its about this beloved district attorney who moonlights as a serial killer meanwhile a suspected killer is really doing his darndest to protect the streets at night. it really plays with notions of institutions or whatever and expectations of good and evil. throughout the whole thing its just gonna get tenser and tenser as the district attorney gets more gutsy in his kills and the hated street vigilante keeps trying to stop him. its gonna be great!! get this, at the end the two of them meet on the roof of an old clock tower and they finally duke it out with all kinds of cool stuff like "how could you abuse your power to murder people?!" and "you are nothing and i have all the power!" then just as the vigilante is gonna cuff the district attorney, he pulls them both off of the clock tower and they fall to their death!! can you believe it? then the end details the two funerals and of course the evil DA gets a large catered service with trumpets and old ladies crying and doves and all of that shit because everyone thinks he died trying to stop the real murderer who in fact was trying to stop him! its real heady stuff im definitely going to work on it tomorrow i think my wife would really like it she loves law and order a lot and honestly ive watched some with her and i think its fine but this is a lot better because it really casts a light on age old struggles of why people do the things they do and really calls into question the entire notion of public service!!! and the whole thing is going to be soundtracked with this great tom waits song and these beach boys outtakes i found that my wife wouldnt let me listen to because she said they were offputting or disconcerting or something but everything in this world has a place and i think i found the perfect place for these amazing songs. im really really really really excited about it can you tell? i was going to call it "heroes" but then realized that was already this tv show but wouldnt that be a great name for it if that show didnt exist? wow look at how pretty these nachos are!!



i just got the greatest idea for a song i havnt played my guitar in a few years which my wife never hesitated to point out but whatever anyway i am just not tired even though i do have to meet with a divorce lawyer tomorrow morning but who cares about that im going to start playing again because when i was nineteen or so i wrote this song about a tree in the front yard of the apartment i lived in and all of my roommates flipped out over it like really flipped out over it im not kidding so i think i have some talent there i just need to focus on it more and practice more and i think now is the time to start doing that. you only live once right?

Eagle City Chinese & Tex-Mex
914B Fulton Street
Brooklyn, NY
718-398-7888

the color and just overall positive feelings that come from these nachos that make me feel in a way that things are going to be ok and that i should stop worrying so much about my divorce and that yes i am an awesome awesome and talented person and someone else;s love doesnt define that we only define that ourselves:

the feeling of validation ill have when the movie studio buys my script and i get to see it on the big screen and hear my soundtrack swell into the auditorium and then the thunderous round of applause afterward and ill stand and bow and give a speech that tells them all it was no big deal i was just trying to do my best to turn the world on to some important issues. maybe i can even go into public service after, not a senator or anything but maybe house of congress:

the way i captured a sort of gritty urban essence in the photo of the outside of eagle city up at the top of the post i mean wow i want to say it was a happy accident but in reality i totally kind of planned it and i think im a natural at this photography thing and i think im going to be doing it a lot more from now on: